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Four Things 'Nice Guys' Do Wrong (Op-Ed)

February 18, 2019

A few days ago I was wandering through Facebook and found the following question posted for the nth time:


Okay, ladies
Question:  Why is it that nice guys are overlooked a lot more than appreciated?
Asking for a friend


Let's take a look at the nice guy and the destruction he hath wroth upon the Earth.  I'm kidding, of course.  Really, how much damage could one person do?


Using kindness as a method of seduction  Nice guys tend to externalize blame and fault others instead than practicing self-growth.  Insisting that their kindness and 'platonic' displays of affection  will cause the person they're interested in to realize the error of their ways and fall head over heels for them.  Nice Guy™ or Nice Guy Syndrome are terms used to describe “men who view themselves as prototypical ‘nice guys,’ but whose ‘nice deeds’ are in reality only motivated by attempts to passively please women into a relationship and/or sex.”  Think of it from the other side of the equation:  A guy she passively spends time with due to work, school, and situations that are out of her control suddenly begin fawning over her.  Leaving 'Secret Admirer' gifts (FYI:  She'll think that's super creepy if she works in a controlled access facility), stalking her and learning her routines, or coming out and attempting to convince her that he's in love with her means you've turned a place she has to be in (Work, school, etc.) into a prison.


“Women only like assholes”  Weirdly, a clear definition of an 'asshole', or anti-nice guy, is hard to pin down.  I presume its the guy who "gets all the girls" and doesn't have a problem getting laid when he wants and the women he sleeps with seem to be okay with that level of casualness.  As if they don't know their sexual availability is sacrosanct and can only be worshipped by designated priests who appreciate the incalculable value of the va-jay-jay (I'm using proper medical terminology to avoid crudeness).  Here's where it gets strange:  Nice guys see her sexuality as sacred and "assholes" see her sexuality as her choice.  And no, they aren't attempting to empower women via sacred sexuality and personal command over who and what goes where and when.  They're trying to establish a control over her and what she wants to do.  Compare this to Joan of Leeds who in 1318 made a false body, faked her death, and escaped from a convent because she wanted some say over her life choices.  William Melton, the archbishop of St. Clement by York, had plenty of nice guy shade to throw at her in his report as [Joan was] “seduced by indecency, she involved herself irreverently and perverted her path of life arrogantly to the way of carnal lust and away from poverty and obedience".


Believing common courtesy and manners makes them "nice"  Politeness takes on so many forms that its practically invisible.  As it should be, impoliteness should stand out like a boulder in a swimming pool.  There's a misconception that nice guys can be gentlemen, and that gentlemen are, by extension, nice guys.

According to the “The Gentleman’s Guide” on the film’s official website, “The Rules” of a Kingsman Gentleman are

  • A gentleman never tells about his conquests, private matters, or dealings.  His business is nobody else's

  • A gentleman doesn't clash in public with enemies or exes, or worse, with out-of-fashion contrasts, colors or styles

  • A gentleman is always happy to serve, whether it's opening the door, picking up the bill or merely calling a cab the next morning.  Ask him for help and he cannot refuse

  • A gentleman never reacts to rudeness. He pretends he doesn't recognize it and moves on like it never happened, because it never should have

  • A gentleman is always on target with witty remarks, interesting facts, and conversation starters that bring the best out of everyone

  • A gentleman asks non-invasive questions to keep a conversation going and attention focused on others.  He makes them feel like the most interesting person he's ever met, whether that's true or not

In short, a gentleman should serve the public good, be social warrior, and make the world better by their very presence without hope of return on their 'investment'.


A nice guy, by his own nature, is a quid pro quo dealer demanding that his noble sacrifice be acknowledged and that he should in the end 'get the girl'.  Often identifying themselves by their positive traits ("I'm a giver".  "I'm sensitive".  "I'm a nice guy".)  without even realizing the irony that these should all be automatic functions that a person shouldn't have to announce.  If someone kept insisting their best trait was "I don't kick dogs", you'd be pretty sure there's some scary shit going on behind-the-scenes.  According to Dr. Jesse Marczyk the problem is overcompensation of a perceived flaw.  “The men who tend to get stuck in the friend-zone might not be attractive enough on their own (physically, socially, or otherwise), and so try to compensate for their shortcomings by investing in women more than their peers. In other words, they might use kindness to try and make up for what they lack elsewhere.”


Complaining about the difference between what women claim to want in a man and the men they actually go for  I had to look this up, and apparently women want someone who respects them and treats them as a partner.  I'm presuming a lot of this idea comes from couples fighting in public or presuming that a breakup or divorce was the 'asshole's' fault (FYI:  Women can be just as terrible as men) when, like a relationship, its a series of ongoing little things building towards a whole.  You can't identify an ocean from a single drop of water, but the nice guy will infer from a single or many conversations, usually overheard, everything his damsel in distress has suffered and decide he can and will fix it.

Here is where things will get tricky
Self-improvement is never easy, has a LOT of backsliding and unlearning and learning


A Gentleman is not a Nice Guy  Nice guys often complain women are only attracted to assholes.  And this is sometimes true for some insecure women who may briefly latch onto assholes, but these relationships are almost always doomed to failure.  Yes, acting like an asshole is often the shortcut to seduction success, it is also extremely frustrating to see how negatively these nice guys  think about women.  These men are conditioned by the media, porn, frustrated friends, and very bad Hollywood movies to think they have to act like a jerk to get laid.

A gentleman loves women and treats them with respect and empathy.  A woman is not a 'conquest', she is a partner whether its a simple conversation with a stranger or a sexual encounter with a spouse.  Nice guys need to overcome their false conditioning and misconceptions that exist around dating and sexuality.  The moment these negative things are left behind, will be the moment most people realize the ambition to become a gentleman is a positive social contract with the world and that being a gentleman has absolutely nothing to do with being a nice guy.


Don't be needy  Being polite is not the problem.  Being polite is actually a huge benefit when it comes to healthy and long lasting relationships.  The problem is created when the nice guy's develops the attitude of "I'm owed something" and that becomes the driving force behind that politeness and treating women in a nice way.  Neediness and the desire for a reward are off-putting to say the least.


Don’t Spoil Her  Gentlemen love women. They enjoy them as people who enjoy being treated well.  This doesn't mean 'spoiling' someone, or buying their time.  It means accepting that they have entire lives that he may only be a small part of and the last thing anyone wants in any part of their life is drama.


Don't Say What She Wants to Hear  Be yourself.  Don't lie to impress.  Don't lie to avoid awkwardness.  Don't lie.  Having a different opinion on something may be a dealbreaker, but lying and continuing to lie will break a heart. 

Be yourself  Nice guys lie.  Lies beget lies.  And remembering the truth is so much easier in the long run.  A gentlemen decides if he needs to improve himself, and does it for himself.  A gentleman will read books because he feels he should read them.  A gentleman will exercise and change his diet.  Get a new job.  Start a new hobby.  A gentleman will do these things because they make him better.


Shut up and listen  A gentleman doesn't wait for his turn to talk nor does he interrupt or needlessly correct.  He listens and asks followup questions. 


Be sexual  Touching a woman in a gentle way while looking into her eyes is sexual.  Grabbing her ass after a five minute conversation is creepy.  Whispering naughty thoughts in her ear on a fourth date while caressing her leg is sexual.  Telling her that you want to fuck her right after she gave her phone number is creepy.  Sexual confidence leads to passionate nights.  Creepiness leads to sexual frustration and bitterness.

Make her your partner  A gentleman knows how to treat women.  Every action involving her needs to convey that not only is she an equal, but that she is safe.  Whether she wants a confidant or a 'partner in crime', if she doesn't feel secure, regardless of the situation, seduction is impossible.

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