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What is BDSM: Vetting a sub

September 10, 2018

A follower said we see enough about how a sub should vet a Dom but asked what about the other way around?

 

I’m going to start my answer as if you and the potential sub already have an emotional connection and have been talking for a while. Again, I will be writing as if the Dominant is the male and the submissive is the female, although I acknowledge and respect that this is not always the case.

 

I’d start with asking yourself as a Dom, what are your “non-negotiable” terms?  If there is something you “need” from the dynamic or submissive and they are not able to provide that, then there is no point moving forward. For me, I needed monogamy, a masochist, and a 24/7 dynamic. The things you need may be different than what I need. Once you know what you need, see if the potential submissive is a match. The things that are negotiable can be worked out later.

 

Before my current dynamic began, I asked why she wanted to be my submissive which is not the same as how she knows she is submissive in general. Asking this isn’t about an ego boost. It gives you the opportunity to make sure she does in fact know you well enough to make a decision. If she’s wrong about you, you can correct any misconceptions.

 

It is also important to hear that they trust and feel safe with you. This will be something she can fall back on down the road. There have been times when my submissive was feeling iffy about a certain task and I needed to ask her if she remembered why she said she wanted to be my submissive.  She needs to be able to trust you enough so that somewhere down the line she can say to herself, “Okay, He has gotten me this far. He’s never given me something I couldn’t handle. Everything He has done has been to help me grow or make me a better submissive”. Things like that. But that also means you need to do your part to be that trustworthy safe place.

 

How much time/attention does she need and how much can you give?  This is especially important in long distance dynamics. If this submissive requires a lot of time and you can’t give it, you owe it to her to let her know. I don’t like the word “needy” because it’s used negatively and there is nothing wrong with desiring a lot of time and affection.

 

RED FLAGS

The biggest red flag I look for is someone who says they have NO limits aka there isn’t a single thing you can do to them that they wouldn’t be okay with. No matter how masochistic a play partner I had, they’d at a minimum say they don’t want any marks on their face. Or if it was spring/summer, no marks that would show while in shorts. If someone says they have no limits they probably think it sounds appealing and they’re either too inexperienced or too irresponsible to think about their physical/mental safety.

 

If they have been in a dynamic before, ask about why the previous Dominants and boyfriends didn’t last. You’re looking for a pattern where the submissive did absolutely no wrong in past relationships. This is tricky because there certainly are times when a submissive just gets unlucky and the Dominant was a smooth talker at first and then became abusive, uncaring, etc. You’ll have to use your best judgment. I met a submissive who was notorious for engaging in a scene with a top or Dom and then saying it wasn’t what she wanted the next morning. She would admit that she said nothing and gave no cues to suggest she wanted to stop. Even if she has a valid reason for not being able to communicate, do you want to be on the receiving end of that? This person did not have a valid reason and was actually banned from a lot of play parties because it was so known that this was how she acted. 

 

 

If you decide not to enter a dynamic with this person, remember that you don’t have to cut ties completely. If you were considering them at one point, then you must have a strong connection. There is no reason that should go to waste. You may not have gotten yourself a new submissive, but you may have gained a friend. 

 

Feel free to add something I may have missed

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