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What Is BDSM: Finding a Dom/Domme

June 13, 2018

Dominant:  It's what every new submissive wants to know: 
How do I find a dominant/master/mistress?

 

Most of what I'd advise is more about protecting yourself in your first steps than finding a dom. Protection is important because you'll need to take care of yourself until you do find that "right" dom (consider that you are protecting that future master or mistress' property) -- and to be smart in who you consider for that honor.

 

Most of the mistakes and heartache I've seen in new subs arises primarily out of being so eager to find a dom, that they jump into things too quickly.

 

Read, read, study, ask questions, read some more
Best and fastest first read: SM 101 by Jay Wiseman. Knowledge is your first and best defense against harm and bad decisions.

 

Remind yourself not to be so eager to play or find a dom that you accept the first one that comes along

Beware of anyone who says:

  • "I want to collar you now....."

  • "I don't want you talking to other dominants...."

  • "If you were a true submissive, you'd do what I want."

  • "You must have no limits to be my slave."

  • "You don't need a safe word with me -- I don't allow them."

Or anyone who insists on a private first meeting -- hotel rooms, his home, your home. Expects or insists on playing at the first meeting. Expects or insists that "play" include sex if you don't want it to.

 

Find the local group or munch in your area. The easiest way to do this at the moment is to join FetLife or use FInd a Munch and search by location for your area. That will give you a list of groups both online and in real time.  If you don't find anything in your city or town -- for example, you find nothing for Niceville, Georgia — expand your search to the nearest town, such as Atlanta or Columbia or Augusta. Or search all of Georgia, or your particular county.  

If they have an online discussion group, join it. If they have a munch, go to it.

 

What's a munch?
A munch is a very casual, informal and very vanilla get-together at a local restaurant or bar. Everyone is expected to dress just the same as if they were going out to dinner with their family, and to behave "normally." There is nothing to identify the group as anything other than just a group of friends having a meal together. Nothing is expected of you beyond simple good manners and an openness to getting to know other like-minded people. I can not recommend this enough as a safe public way to network and make friends! If you are nervous about going alone, email the munch organizers and introduce yourself. The organizers are people who are dedicated to helping people start their journey in BDSM and they are always happy to help.

If classes or demos are offered in your area, try to attend.

 

Make friends FIRST in that local group before you think of finding a dom 
Particularly try to find an experienced female submissive to help you navigate. If you can't find one in real-time, find one online. You'll need someone to bounce thoughts and questions off of.

The local group can help protect you with dungeon monitors at play parties, giving references to doms that approach you, and letting those that might be tempted to take advantage of you know that others are looking out for you.

 

Learn the basics of safety and don't be afraid to speak up 
If you are uncomfortable with something that seems to violate any of those basics:  RUN
Run from anybody who says, "I have plenty of experience, who the hell are you to tell me I shouldn't wrap this rope around your throat and leave you bound and alone for a couple of hours?"

 

Learn to say NO 
It is your right and obligation to yourself -- and whoever you eventually decide to give yourself to -- to protect yourself from harm, mental and physical. If you cannot say no, your "yes" has no value. No respectable dominant wants a doormat.

 

I personally would advise "playing the field" a bit
Before committing to one person, you need more experience to find out what you really want and need. You are allowed to play casually with doms without a collar or serious commitment. Group play parties are especially good settings for this.

Understand that a new sub is particularly attractive to a certain kind of dominant who thrives on "fresh meat" -- they will be attracted to your lack of experience, and eager to "mentor" you or "train" you. They will try to "stake a claim" on you very fast, to prevent anyone else from getting to you first. I'm not saying these dominants are always bad or shady, just be aware that they are out there, and don't let one of them push you into something you aren't ready for.

 

Some of them want a newbie because they are inexperienced and think you won't know the difference. Some just think you're an easy conquest. Some of them aren't really dominants, just domineering assholes who think being a dominant means lots of blow jobs.

 

A "mentor" who wants to have sex with you is not a mentor
And a submissive does not need to be "trained" because, contrary to what some people online will tell you, there is no definite manual or guidelines for how to do any of this. When you find a dominant/master/mistress, THEY will train you as they see fit. Don't fall for the idea that there are these magical "trainers" running around out there who will help you find a master/mistress. They won't. They just want to have fun with you. If you want to have fun with them, go for it! It can be fun to be "trained" - just don't let anybody make you think you have to.

 

Don't use a poly relationship to get your feet wet
Poly relationships can be wonderful and frustrating, but as a new sub a poly relationship is something to build up to -- as a "secondary" sub -- if you really don't think you want to live that way. It doesn't matter how wonderful someone is, or how perfect you think you are for each other. He is not going to leave his primary for you, and if he does, then you have to wonder how quickly he may drop you for the next bit of "fresh meat" to come along.

 

Read the discussions that are on FetLife .
And other online forums that have a vocal submissive, male or female, presence. You will learn a lot about how D/s relationships work by seeing the situations and problems people ask for advice about.

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