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Two-Faced Bitch: Seven Women to Avoid Dating

June 22, 2018

This isn't a slam or a shaming piece, I've been all of these women at one time or another, but the difference is, they were part of who I was and not my sole identity.  Humans are supposed to be complex animals full of surprises, but way too many people are just one thing all day, all month, all year. 

Crazy For You  
We all know that one woman:  
The sex is great, the nights are adventures, she looks like she should star in pro porn, and she's only been committed against her will twice.  

 

Call her Harley Quinn or Case Number 939482-8279, she's never boring and she did that thing with her tongue under the table at your cousin's wedding while you were giving a toast.


The downside is the utter lack of off switch, making sure she's taking her meds (ALWAYS CHECK UNDER THE TONGUE, YOU AMATEUR!), and that you remember to change your locks BEFORE breaking up with her after your cat "runs away" with his litter box, food, and bowls.

Can I Call You Sugar Daddy?
These women exchange sex and attention for gifts, dining in fancy restaurants, shopping trips, etc.   Or what Men's Rights Activists refer to as "dating".  If all you want is sex and shallow approval, this might be a great setup for you.


But, if you want someone who doesn't end every conversation with a plea to help cover her cell phone bill/rent/car payment/vacation/etc. be prepared to pay.

Workoholic Anonymous
I'm not saying that working 60-70 hour weeks isn't great, I've done that more than once, but we all know someone for whom you're literally a placekeeper to give her something and someone to do on her one day off a week.  


She's never actually single, just between guys, and may call you by someone else's name in the heat of the moment, so be prepared for generic nick- and pet names.


Cheers Leader
She's out from Friday night to Sunday afternoon.  She's never been sober on a day starting with "S", and you've spent more than one evening in a row holding her hair.  She can identify every pill in your medicine cabinet by sight and knows the exact number of times you can take a Plan B pill in a month.  There's also a very good chance your relationship is part of a prolonged blackout!


Be prepared to never just have a quiet weekend at home, and to always be using Uber to get from the bar to the club to the rave to the friend's house that's just "30 minutes away".
 

Any long term relationship with her automatically comes with a "Codependency" sticker.

Insecure Borders
Don't get me wrong, I'm not downing low self-esteem, but there is a group of women that seem entirely defined by their insecurity, need for constant companionship and affirmation, and complete certainty that they "don't need help, because doctors are all quacks!".


This type will easily agree to have sex, however they will almost definitely view it as the physical part of an ongoing relationship.  Breaking up will include suicide threats, surprise gifts, and (If she's got anger issues) getting new tires, windshields, seats, and a paint job for your car.

Unprotected Sexual Predator
If she has no problem mentioning that she HATES condoms and never uses them, you may want to ask how many STIs she's been treated for and whether she prefers cocaine, heroin, or meth.  

 

Much like Sugarbaby and Partier, your relationship is based on your ability to support her lifestyle.  Be ready to drop money for little things like bail, child support, and fleeing the jurisdiction in a hail of gunfire.

Fitness Fanatic
The Partier's polar opposite, Fitness Fanatic lives for that morning jog and daily cardio lunch break.  She knows every GNC product, has actually worn out a yoga mat, and hasn't been near fast food in so long she's not sure what a Whopper is  
But she can and will identify a wheat/lemon grass smoothies carb/protein ratio by smell.


Unless your ready to consider a marathon a fun first date, don't go near these ones.

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