"We can talk about anything, no matter how crazy, and work through it together. Like a Lifetime episode... on the Playboy channel."
Life After Dark
Do you identify as Dom, sub, or SWItch?
Do you prefer BD, Ds, or SM, or a combination of two or more, and what do you enjoy from each subsection?
Bondage and D/s mostly. For me it’s the control or power that I desire. The S/M part comes up as a method of exchanging that control.
Hands on or ropes and chains?
Hands on. I am not experienced with rope to safely use it, but we VERY much want to. Also once we get our own place we may invest in things like chains or other forms of bondage gear.
Tell me about the "exchanging of control"?
In a nutshell, my wife/sub gives me the power to tell her what to do and she chooses to obey. She trusts me to push her limits while keeping her safe. We do this through sexual or domestic means.
What does "sexual and domestic means" means?
Mrs. Lesley mentioned that her family is conservative and that their fine with the Biblical definition of a woman being submissive, but not the BDSM definition.
Well, sexually she does whatever perverted thing I ask of her (within our mutually agreed limits). That's pretty much what people think of I'm guessing when they think BDSM. It's more than just sex though. It's a real lifestyle. She takes other orders besides bedroom stuff. Cooking, cleaning, and basic household chores. It may seem 1950s, but more than once she has said that is exactly what she wants. I'm guessing that part came from how her family raised her.
So, it's your life?
Simply put, yes.
Mrs. Lesley mentioned you'd been together for several years before you brought up the subject of BDSM.
How did your relationship change after you both found out what you wanted?
Well, we were both dealing with a lot of pent up unfulfillment. We fought a lot and most things never got resolved. She actually moved back with her family for a while and one day I took a leap and told her exactly why I was unhappy. She told me she had similar feelings and after that we haven't had nearly the level of issues we had before. We can talk about anything, no matter how crazy, and work through it together. Like a Lifetime episode... on the Playboy channel [Laughs].
I can't imagine that it was easy going from a standard to more intensive relationship.
How well did you both transition from vanilla to BDSM?
Like I said before, we discovered this while she was staying with family. In another state. So we were apart for a little while before we saw each other again. Gave us time to actually talk and research instead of blinding throwing ourselves into it and having a bad experience. I think that helped a lot. So more smoothly than I'd have expected to actually answer the question.
Mrs. Lesley mentioned you're moving towards group play and that she was anxious about the idea at first.
How you were able to bring her into situation?
Well, it's something I wanted at first and every once and a while I could pick up hints that she was interested as well, but I had to get her past the cripplingly self doubt that has her convinced I'm going to leave her for the first woman I see. She still refuses to believe me after five years of telling her she is good enough. It is slow going, but basically every step of the way I continue to reassure her and make sure she is still comfortable with how things are progressing.
If you could give any advice to those interested in practicing any part of BDSM, what would you say to them?
Read, research, learn. BDSM is more than what you see on PornHub or God forbid 50 Shades [of Grey]. There is a ton of great sites to check out and I can almost guarantee a very nice community of kinks that gather within driving distance. At the very least social media. Ask questions and don't ever be afraid of trying new things. And never past up trying something you are interested in just because you think people might think it's weird. Someone has already done it and they probably started a Facebook group for it.