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Threesomes: Ins & Outs NSFW

February 20, 2017

 So... 
You've decided to bring another player into your favorite game. Or maybe a friend has invited you to test out their bedsprings. Either way, you're about to engage in an evening, or afternoon, of delight.
Right?

Well, let's take a closer look at threesomes, be they same sex, two on one, one on two, et cetera. Yes, they can be fun, but you're about to make a life decision that will stay with you forever. So...
Who's invited? 
How do we do this? 
Wait, that isn't what I expected (For better or worse).

"IS HE GOING TO TALK ABOUT TALKING AGAIN?"

Yes.

Because a threesome is almost never something you can spring on someone unexpected. Romantic comedies and professional porn make it look like a slippery good time will be had by all at the drop of a pair of pants, but they may be selling a fantasy that isn't necessarily true (I'm so sorry to be the one to tell you this). Imagine arriving home and you find your partner is waiting with a friend, an acquaintance, or perhaps even a stranger to let you know that this person is ready and willing to engage in a... meeting of minds in the bedroom. As relationship surprises go, it may not be too horrible (Compared to finding out your wife is a serial arsonist, or your husband emptied the bank account to become a street magician), but take the surprised party into account:
Is there a chance they may be thinking that YOU think so little of them that YOU picked someone up to make sex bearable?
Of course not! 
But wouldn't it be more conducive to the ongoing relationship to ask if he or she is willing ahead of time? Surprising someone with freshly painted walls is one thing (they will most certainly pretend to be happy about), but surprising them with a third wheel may cause the motorcycle of your life to swerve and hit a tree.
Talk about what you want and see if your partner is willing to meet you halfway (Or threeway, so to speak). It won't do you much good to bring a woman home to share with your wife only to find out she'd rather have a second guy, and visa versa. Communication is always the key to a successful and ongoing relationship:
As, Mr. Jeff Foxworthy once said "Rule number one, if she ain't happy, you ain't happy. And if she ain't happy long enough, you're gonna be unhappy with half your stuff."

"GUESS WHO'S COMING OVER (AND OVER)"
Our scene opens in fair Verona:
"Honey, you're friend Doug, he's cool, right?"
"Doug? I guess. He's pretty good at basketball."
"No! I mean... If we invited him over, would he be cool?"
"Doug's over all the time."

Wow, sounds like a tacky sitcom, right? Starting a conversation that could potentially lead to the other member thinking "I'm not enough for you" is almost never going to be easy. 

 Is there someone you both find attractive? 
It won't do YOU much good if you're a hardline straight as an arrow cisgender man or woman and your partner wants to bring someone you won't have fun with into the bedroom.
Is this person open to the idea of a threesome?
Wow! Carole from coffee shop is so sexy, but she's also not interested in team cuddling.
"My best friend is sexy and adventurous!"
Great! But is she willing to take your relationship to the next level? And are you willing to risk your friendship on a night of happy funtime?
In the end, the third party has to be someone who you both not only agree on but agrees to be on you.

Here's the extra fun part of a threesome:
Guess how many sexually transmitted diseases can be asymptomatic? 
Herpes, chlamydia, the human papilloma virus, and gonorrhea to start. Chlamydia is the most common treatable STD. However, three-quarters of all women, and half of all men, with chlamydia have no symptoms. Half of all women with gonorrhea and 10% of men don't show symptoms either. Be prepared to use multiple forms of protection, and to switch between partners and parts, unless everyone's recently had a broad spectrum STI/STD test. And, unless you want to hear the harrowing tale of how someone got a terrible infection from going backdoor to front or wherever, NEVER GO ASS TO PUSSY OR ASS TO MOUTH (OMG! This is sounding better and better!)!

"WE HAD OUR THREESOME...
NOW WHAT?"

That's up to you and the dreaded C-word:
Communication... Dun dun DUN!
Was this a one-time thing or a new facet of your life?
Is the third party now a partner or, as the third party, are you going to go back to your life? 
Was a good wet time had by all, or is someone feeling left out?

These are all things you'll need to consider post-after glow. But, remember to talk, talk, talk, and talk some more.
Debrief (Giggity!) your partner and playmate, if he or she is now part of your new lifestyle, and see what went down (GIGGITY!). Treat them as the most important part of your life, not because you want to do it again, but because they are.


THE "DO's":

DO be open with your partner.
Remember the time your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend kept a secret from you about how he or she felt about your relationship, and it just festered beneath the surface until it burst like an infected boil and destroyed everything?
Wasn't that fun?

DO remember that this is a team and tag-team event.
Take a break to enjoy the show, hold your partner's hand, or spank someone on the butt. You don't have to do everything. 
And guys, don't be disappointed if round one is a little short: Recovery is about 15 minutes, and the glans desensitize after this first go around.

DO be safe.
If you wouldn't share a needle with them, why would you share your unprotected genitalia?

DO say "No".
We're down to the nuts and bolts of the event and you realize you aren't happy (Guys, an erection is a biological function, not an expression of joy). 
Say "No." 
Get up, get dressed, and get out. 
It is and always will be YOUR body.

THE "DON'Ts"
DON'T make this an ultimatum! 
Gosh, how awkward was it when she called your bluff and now you're sleeping on your buddy's couch while she cries and gets drunk with her friends who all now think you're a piece of garbage?

DON'T make this all about you!
"I need this to feel complete" sounds like a good argument, but will more than likely lead to the deadly question of "I don't complete you?" 
If this happens, I recommend simply running away into the night and starting a new life as a logger in British Columbia. Or, if you're already a logger in British Columbia, a financial planner in midtown New York.

DON'T freak out if you get told "No"!
You've been told no before, you'll be told no again. 
Ask your partner why he or she said no and move from there. I can't promise a threesome, but you may gain a deeper, more intimate understanding of your partner.

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