Sex is a part of life.
For many, it is life.
It defines us, our roles in society, in our relationships. Even incorporating the QUILTBAGS (queer, unidentified, intersexed, lesbian, transsexual, bi, asexual, gay, straight) umbrella, we all think – to varying degrees – about sex.
Sex should be good.
But frequently it is the complete opposite. I cannot speak for those outside the United States, but here, as a society, we are wracked with guilt regarding sex. Touching yourself will cause you to go blind. Having sexual intercourse with someone of the same gender will send you to hell. A woman’s only job and purpose in life is to be fruitful and multiply while being subservient to her husband. A woman is either a mother, a whore, a virgin, or a bitch. All men are pigs as they only think about sex. Any sex except for procreation is sinful. Having sex outside of marriage makes you unclean and unworthy of others. Human sexual organs are dirty and nasty. Having sex before marriage brings dishonor to the family.
The list goes on.
With this sort of mental and emotional baggage brought to us by our Puritanical forefathers and Catholic/Christian dogmas, and continually propagated by religious organizations, government, and the media, it’s easy to see that we have a lot of hang-ups about sex. Have sex not often enough and you are ridiculed by your peers and family (“Why can’t you find a nice person to settle down with?”). Too much sexual activity and again we are judged by our societal peers as being cheap, easy, a floozy, a slut, a whore, a fuckboi, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. One sex educator I had referred to promiscuous students as either “Ms. Americas” or “Mr. Universes”: Connecting beauty to a sexual competition.
Sex is good for you.
Scientifically, it’s been proven to enhance you immune system, release endorphins and stimulate Serotonin production, relieve stress, and many other healthful benefits. It’s often the glue in many relationships or helps to cement the bond between partners. But the dichotomy of sinful vs. sacred can give you a headache if you think about it too much. I don’t liking being preachy. I don’t care for it when people get smug or feel like they are superior. No one is better than anyone else.
It boils down to choices someone makes or sometimes forced upon in their life.
Do they take the high road or the low road?
Do they go left or right?
A yes or no?
Do they accept what’s conventional or look for their own answers?
In regards to sex, I can only speak from my own point-of-view and experiences. I’ve had great ones and some god-awful ones. But one thing that always bothered me was “the walk of shame” after a not-so-fun encounter with someone. I distinctly remember the “No Fat Chicks” thing of the 1980s – the fat-shaming of women and if other guys found out you were interested in one or worse, had slept with one, the ridicule was endless. And I thought, even back then, “This is fucking stupid!”
A person is a person. A girl/woman is still a girl/woman regardless of her body size. I don’t like to feel embarrassment or shame. Guilt sucks, too. Unless it’s your kink, I don’t think anyone likes to feel these feelings. I’ve always been empathic to others feelings, putting myself in their place to see what they see and often wondered what can be done differently? Something in this equation was not adding up right (the dichotomies I stated earlier).
In my quest for improvement (as I have lots of issues and flaws), I stumbled upon sacred sexuality. And I do mean stumbled upon. I was at a clothing-optional event where I turned left instead of right and walked into a demonstration of sexual massage and positive body experiences. Which turned into multiple discussions on sexuality, faith, and sacredness of the human body and our interactions with others. Sacred sexuality is, at its core, breaking things down into the original components. Throw away or forget the negative religious and societial bullshit and condemnations. Sex is an expression of love, life, and fun. When you’re with a partner, don’t judge; instead, indulge (but always with consent and communication). Whoever you are with, whether it’s your spouse, a one-night stand, a friend with benefits, a long-time partner, or others (polyamory or group sex) treat him/her/them with respect and reverence. That person is offering to share a part of themselves with you to make a connection; not just playing with their body but something that is special and what is at their core.
There is a phrase, Namaste, which loosely translated means, “the divine within me is honored to meet the divine within you.” I think this applies here as you are sharing, whether you recognize it or not, a special part of you that defines you as a sexual being. It goes a bit deeper than the physical. You don’t have to be new-agey or even follow a specific or esoteric spiritual path to enjoy sacred sexuality, mainstream religions can work with this but you will have to willfully forget some of the negative tenets; it’s just being open, respectful, enjoying your partner’s presence, and letting everything else fall to the side or away from you. I read somewhere that sex is going on a journey together and that made a lot of sense. Outside of sexual release (which is one of the fun parts of adult play-time), you and this other person are spending time together, going from talking – at some point – to flirtation, seduction, and sharing a few moments of your life with one another.
Going from Point A to Point Z.
There are paths that can lead you there that may seem faster or easier (Tantra, Yoga, other Eastern practices) but they are harder to practice compared to Western philosophies. I take a “cherry-picker’s” approach to love, life, faith, and sexuality: I take a bit from here, a bit from there, another piece from a different source, rinse, repeat, and mesh it together so that it works for me. A cookie-cutter approach may work for you, but it may not, but that’s up to you.
Sacred Sexuality is just being open to new experiences and when you are finished, there is no guilt, no shame in what you have done or feel. For some, that’s called magic. Or having a religious experience. Or the Earth moved. Just experiencing joy and peace.