While I'll never claim to be the wisest or greatest thinker the world has ever known (That title is currently being fought over by Plato and Freddy Mercury), I am aware that there is still a stigma associated with people that practice the game known as BDSM. I will attempt to cover the name "BDSM", the practitioners, the fakers, and where YOU, dear reader, fall into that spectrum.
BDSM IS A CATCHALL TERM MADE OF THE SUBTERMS Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & submission, and Sadism & masochism.
Most of you are probably aware of the "BD" and "SM" aspects of the overarching theme. Someone being tied down or handcuffed, has been played alternately for dramatic effect (9 1/2 Weeks), comedy (Sienfeld), as a plot device point in shitty procedural series (Crossing Jordan), and as an excuse to make moneygrubbing softcore porn stories (50 Shades of Grey).
In reality, Bondage and Discipline, almost all of BDSM in fact, can be found to completely lack what the Vanillas would refer to as "sex". A "scene" may simply involve wearing a specific garment, or lack of garments, in public. Engaging in simple bondage games, such as tying your partner up, or even simply ordering them to sit in a chair, and playing with yourself while they have to watch.
Sadism/Masochism (Morticia and Gomez Addams) is the taking of pleasure from giving or receiving pain. And those of you who are aware of the endorphins released by the brain in response to physical discomfort may have an idea as to where the pleasure comes from. Whipping, slapping, flogging, restraining, waxplay, clit torture, nipple torture, and those are the one's I can recall off the top of my head, all cause a release of endorphins similar to the "Runner's High". The downside being that, as with all chemical boosts, the practitioner will need to experience longer, more drawn out, scenes or sessions to experience that high. Dominance/submission is ofttimes the most misunderstood of the three main aspects of BDSM, yet paradoxically, the most universally known (I Dream of Jeannie, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Wonder Woman, and almost every sitcom made in the 1950s).
I'm even certain that more than a few of you are familiar with the Master/maid trope. In modern times, we're more likely to hear the terms "Daddy", "Master", "little". and "kitten" bandied about, because, yes, DDlg/DMlg/DDlb/MDlb and PetPlay are things, and where a large amount of the stigma, even among other practitioners, comes from. I would like to say that those who tie up their partners to decorative crucifixes and fist them in glass houses, probably shouldn't throw stones. By judging others, you're calling yourself morally superior, knowing full well that you yourself would have at one point been the pervert no one talks about.
“WHAT KIND OF FREAK WOULD BE INTO BDSM?”
I'm not being flippant or rude (cruel is something I do, but only with full consent), but yes. Your mom, your dad, your neighbor, and probably even you.
You just didn't know it.
Have you ever offered your partner a playful spank, thought about sliding under the table in a restaurant to "verbalize" with your partner, or simply held your partner's hands down during happy funtime?
If you answered "Yes", you're an absolute deviant and I expect to see videos (or at least images) in my mailbox posthaste!
If you answered "No", I'm honestly having a hard time believing you have so vanilla a life that you don't debate stretching out and taking a risk.
The kind of "freak" who would be into BDSM almost always has a painfully healthy relationship because of the awe-inspiring level of communication and trust involved in a scene. You've probably hear of and I'll be mentioning the term "Safe Word" frequently:
The Top is the train, the bottom is the engineer standing on the deadman switch. Once the bottom says the word or gives the signal
A bottom's trust is worth its weight in gold but is made of finely spun glass: Once you break it... And this leads me into fakers. “I'M JUST HERE FOR ME” is fine for an evening watching porn, or playing solitaire. But if you've been given a sub's or bottom's trust, violating that trust is akin to rape. I have a very dear friend who is absolutely one of the most beautiful people you will ever meet: She's sweet, nice, funny, fun loving, and thinks cartoon panties are the greatest thing ever. She suffered a poser stating that he didn't have the time or energy to train her and would check back after another Dom had "broken her in".
To those of you who are in the scene, I hope this set your teeth on edge (and not in a good way).
A poser, a faker, or, as TLC once said, a scrub is the worst thing that can happen to a bottom. A real bottom is offering their everything to Top, and to hurt them in this way is no different than standing up your bride on your wedding day.
You are simply scum.
Well. Let's try to lighten the mood from there...
"WHAT KIND OF DEVIANT AM I?" is a very deep and important question. It will color everything you think, say, and do. BDSM Test offers a very good, and indepth questionnaire, but simply communicating with your partner will be the biggest and most important step. There are all kinds of fun surprises to trot out into the bedroom, but take your partner into consideration.
I've been asked if there are any tricks to a long lasting relationship, and there are three:
1. Be an active listener.
2. Be a giver of thoughtful gifts.
3. Work that va-jay-jay, ba-donka-donk, jibberjab, and/or dingledang.
These three are true whether your sex life is vanilla, tutti frutti, Neopolitan, or fudge ripple. And please remember that you are in control of your body: If you don't like something say "No".
What are your thoughts?
What did I miss and what would you like me to cover in future installments?